Halloween 2007 & A friends words to live by! / Mandy (Eriks Mom )Read >>
Halloween 2007 & A friends words to live by! / Mandy (Eriks Mom )
On Halloween day when you work in a school, it's crazy. Fun, but the kids are so hyper half the staff want's to run and hide. Not to mention the custodians who hate it when we tease them that they are on "barf patrol." Yea...LOL
I was talking to a friend halfway through the day and she asked if we get trick or treaters. I said over 100 usually and asked her if she does. She said not one. So we talked for a bit and I asked her if she had grandchildren that came over at least. She said no. She said, ya know what, can I say something without sounding horrible. I told her sure. She said, as much as I love my daughters, I don't know if I want grandchildren Mandy. She said working in the school system, and watching the news every night as really made her scared for the little kids being brought into the world. She said it doesn't matter anymore how well you raise your kids, there are so many bad outside influences, I just don't think I want that for my kids & possible grandchildren. She asked me if I find comfort knowing Erik is safe. She was reluctant to ask, I could tell, not to offend. I told her I do in a strange way. I have said that many times before. I miss Erik, and I love him dearly, and of course I wish he wasn't gone, but he is safe from this sick world. It's an odd irony. Then we went back to what we were doing, and she came up to me again before she left the room, and leaned over and said..."Ya know what Mandy, life is what you make of it anyway, you create your own happiness, we should always focus on what we do have, and enjoy it." I smiled and told her I agree 100%
So right before we left work that day, I said I have to get home, and get ready for all the kids coming. One of my co-workers asked why we get into Halloween so much when our kids are grown. I looked right at her and said because it makes us happy, the kids happy in our neighborhood and that is all that matters.
Halloween night we had about 100 kids, Dale has fun terrifying them and I try to keep Scrappy from going crazy with all the kids coming to the door. :) At the end of the night, Evan, Karly & Chris, three of my sons good friends came trick or treating. Yes, they are 21, 16 & 19, but they were just having fun, and came to visit. We talked for a bit, and then I told them to go hit 2 of our neighbors houses that one, knew the kids, and the other had a huge display.
I sat there in the freezing cold holding Scrappy on the sidewalk, as I watched these 3 goofballs running down our street to the neighbors. Laughing, and acting silly. Dale was standing behind me laughing at them. I just sat there for a minute and I thought of Nancy and what she said, and it's so true. Life is what you make of it. These kids were young at heart just like Erik was. They were having harmless fun and just came to visit us and a few people on Halloween night. They dressed up as I'm not sure what, but hey, it was the thought that counts. LOL I smiled as I thought of Erik and what he would have been doing with them, bouncing down the street, just enjoying life. Almost 3 years later and his friends still come visit and love us like we love them.
I looked back at Dale and thought, I'm 37, he is 42, and we will always be young at heart. Our house will be decorated until we can't do it anymore. Even if it's just because it makes us happy to see it that way, then that is a good enough reason. We are always being silly and having fun.
Dale came home one day and said..."I want us to both make a list of all the things we want to do before we die, and we are going to start doing them." We talked about how we don't want to have a hum drum life like so many people do. We want to live it, not just exsist and go through the motions. We don't think about what we don't have anymore, we focus on what we do have and how blessed we are. If things are meant to be in our life, they will be, if not, it will either come in time, or not at all. We are ready for anything.
I'm not so sure he was thrilled to know one of the things on my list was sky diving. I have wanted to do that for as long as I can remember. I asked him if he would do it with me. He said NO WAY. Then later, I asked again, and he said, "Why not, you have to die somehow." I'm so glad we can be so positive about the outcome. LOL!!!
Everyone should make a list like that, and at the top, the first thing you should want to do before you die, is to live it up while you still can.
Why not me? Why not you? / Mandy (Eriks Mom )Read >>
Why not me? Why not you? / Mandy (Eriks Mom )
We are only months away from 3 years since Erik's death. Seems unreal that it can be that long, and other times it seems much longer. I'm finding however, that still, people cannot believe that I'm ok, and it's really bothersome. I can't let it get to me though, I fear if I do, it will really start to p*ss me off. LOL If I was doing horrible and unable to function, people would find that easier to accept than the fact that I'm doing ok. People deal with things in many different ways. Greif is a very individual thing, and I feel there are 3 paths people take. The road to healing, the road to destruction, or the middle ground where they hang in denial for a long time before they choose a path, or they hang in heavy grief and depression before they choose a path. The woman on Oprah Monday night, Oct 22nd, summed up everything I have been feeling for awhile now. She has terminal cancer. She is young and has no idea how long she has, but her outlook on life is amazing. Oprah asked this woman, who's name is Kris, if she ever has wondered "why me?" Kris answered, "Why not me, why not you?" I have said this to several people since Erik was killed, who asked me why, and they can't believe it happened to me, because I was such a good mom. I always said, "Why not me?" It has to be someone, it can't always be someone else on the news, or some other family. The bad things can't always happen to someone else, and to wish they would is honestly, quite selfish. I feel honored people think I was a good mom, but does that mean I'm protected from any tragedy in my life? Of course not. If it had happened to the mom down the road who might not have been quite as close to their child, or the mom in another town that was even a better parent, that makes it better? Do I wish this did not happen to me, my god of course! The reality is, it did. It did, and now I live with that reality. As Kris said on Oprah, "Life is too sweet to be bitter." She said Life is a terminal condition. We're all going to die.," and the sad thing is, we all wait for something bad to happen to us before we start deciding to live." Randy has 3 months to live, he has 3 little boys and a wonderful wife. He said "You can go through life and say, 'Gee, that 80 percent gray part, that's black, and life is a bad thing,'" he says. "Or you can say that 80 percent gray part's part of the white, and it's the goodness and the light. I want to view life that way. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. That 80 percent in the middle really can go either way, and if you decide you want to make it go good, not bad, you have a lot more power to make that happen than you might think." I understand it's hard for people to understand how I can be doing so well. They think I don't care, or how can I, or I must be in denial. Life has never been clearer folks. Trust me. My son is dead, there is nothing that can bring him back, there is nothing I can do. It has happened to me, and all the crying, screaming, and cursing God is not going to change it. After my tantrum, I will stand up and Erik will still be dead. All the drugs in the world, all the therapy and all the support from 1000 people is still not going to change the fact, that Erik is never coming back. So the 1st year I think I was in shock honestly. Not only dealing with Erik's death, but a life threatening surgery didn't help either. The second year, sucked. That second year I knew I was in the bowels of grief. I was not fun to be around, bottom line. I cried, I was angry, I did what was normal. As hard as it was, I did it without any anti depressants. I FELT what I was SUPPOSED to feel! I talked about it, I went over in my mind 100 times with Dale and whoever. Why, and the accident, and the reports etc... Even through all of that, I felt a closeness to God, and to my son I will never be able to explain. I wasn't mad at God. I felt him there helping me through this, and my faith was stronger than ever. Then one day, like a ton of bricks, it hits you. No more. I can't live like this anymore. THAT is when you choose the path. THAT is the moment that determines how you will pull through this. I wanted the old me back, the happy me, not this icky depressed person. Yes there would always be a miserable void in my heart, but I could live another 50+ years, and this wasn't the way it had to be. I kept thinking, God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I'm strong, I wanna be done now for a long time, lol, but I can get through this. And, I am.... I have always felt I had this little tough person inside of me that helps me get through whatever happens in my life. This little extra source I pull from. Can't quite explain it. I never wanted anyone to help me through things in my life, I would rather deal with them my own way. I always have, and always will. I handled Erik's death the same way. I reached out to who I wanted too, and dealt with it how I wanted. Doctors pushed anti depressants on me, and I refused. Why would I NOT want to feel this pain? That was insane to me. Yes it was hard, but I felt it, I still am. No where near as bad, but at least I'm dealing with it! Not in some drug induced fantasy world. Forget it. People that told me this is coming next, you will go through this next. Oh please, there is no flow chart for losing a child. It sucks when it wants too and it's ok alot too. The dumbest things can make me cry, only things Erik and I would understand, and I can be good for weeks, months and not cry. Don't tell me what to feel, what comes next, or what you went through. That is you, this is me. Someone told me recently the 3rd year sucks. I thought, maybe for you. I won't let it do that to me. A good friend told me recently, she believes your words hold a lot of power. She has actually been telling me that for years. I agree with her. If you have cancer and whine and cry that you are going to die, you will probably die much faster than if you had a positive frame of mind. I won't let grief get the best of me. I will NOT let this define my life. I just won't. Why? Because God does not want that for me. Because my son does not want that for me. I do not want that for me and because NOTHING will bring him back. So when someone tells me the 3rd year is horrible. I say, it won't be. I say it's one more year to gain strength. I'm miss Erik terribly. I think about him everyday, and of course there are hard days. There always will be. The difference is I have accepted this. Do I have any other choice? Just because Erik is dead does not mean my relationship with him is to. I feel him with me, I know he is ok. For people that think I'm in denial or not doing ok. You obviously are not in my life, or are around me. Ask Dale, who was around me for the 2nd year if I dealt with this. He knows the worst of the worst. I will deal with this forever, and I will never "get over it" but I just choose to live with it. Live with it, live with my reality, not let my reality rule me. So thank you Kris & Randy for confirming for me that I'm doing very well. To Kris I say, your right, why not me, and life is too sweet to be bitter. To Randy I say, I choose the gray area of my life to be part of the white, not the black. Anyway, I have far too many friends that would have kicked my ass if I went off the deep end. They know I'm mental, just in the goofy kinda way, trust me, they tell me far too often. LOL Erik's death has changed a lot in my life other than the fact he is no longer here. It's allowed me to be myself, and to have the guts to live my life the way I want too. Probably the biggest thing I have learned, you can't make everyone happy after something like this, and you never will. Stop trying. LIVE LIFE! Sound selfish? I'm way past being selfish, I'm way pass holding peoples hands at this point in my life. If living my life and making sure I'm happy is being selfish, then shame on me. Shame on you double for judging me until you have walked in my shoes.
Don't be afraid to talk to your loved ones that have passed... / Mandy (Eriks Mom )Read >>
Don't be afraid to talk to your loved ones that have passed... / Mandy (Eriks Mom )
I have met so many mom's who have lost a child that feel so disconnected from them. Everyone is different, but I feel so connected to Erik, even now.
There is a difference between healthy grief, and grief that is destructive. If you are going through life as if nothing ever happened, talking to your child like they are still here, and not letting anyone touch their belongings or their rooms. Then yes, there is a problem. Sadly, I know a few people like that. In time, they will get there. All in their own time.
There is nothing wrong however with still having a connection to your loved one that has passed. I think about Erik and talk to him in my mind often. That is why alot of us have these sites. It's a place to come, remember, reflect and leave little notes for them. Does it mean we are crazy and think they are still here? No!
One of the biggest things I have noticed since Erik's death is the older generation that feels when you die, that's it, goodbye, never to be spoken about again. That is wrong, and not the way it should be. Would anyone reading this want everyone to never speak of them again when they die? I don't think so. Because someone dies does not mean the relationship dies too. You can still feel a connection to them, and it's just a different kind of relationship now. No one really knows if they can see or hear us anyway.
So talk to your loved ones. I talk more in my mind to Erik than anything. Sometimes I do out loud. So does Dale. So does my sister. So do a lot of people I'm sure.
God did not put people on this earth for us to love, and expect it to end when they die. Ever since I met Dale and Erik was buried next to his mom, I even feel her around me. When Dale is picking on me, I will tell him I'm telling his mom. LOL It's all part of coping.
Unless people are taking things to a creepy level, a level where it's obvious it's unhealthy. Try to understand their relationship with their loved ones that have passed. I guarantee you, when it's someone you love, you won't just end things because they die. You just can't erase them from your life.
looking for the answer to our future. / Dale Henderson Read >>
looking for the answer to our future. / Dale Henderson
Hey Erik, hope all is well up in heaven, i would like for you to say hi to my mom, cousin danny and all the rest of my family and friends that have gone before us. The other day your mother and i put out fall decorations in the front yard and in the middle of it started to rain ( i told your mom it was going to do that but you know her) (LOL) any ways the front yard looks great. I ask for you and God to come through with the right answer on what we should do with are possible future. God bless. Dale Close
We just got back from the cemetery a while ago, and decorated Erik and Grandma Connie's plant stands for fall. I think Erik was laughing at us, we were having a hard time getting things to look right. Dale was being Mr. Decorator and acting in a way I can't repeat. lol Things tend to get a bit comical with us sometimes! lol I hope they see it. I feel they do. I know Dale has had more signs from his mom in the last few years than he ever has. I think with Dale decorating for her now, she wants him to know she likes it. :) I'm glad Erik was buried next to her. He met her before most of us got the chance. Here are a few pics, from today.
My dream last night.... / Mandy (Eriks Mom )Read >>
My dream last night.... / Mandy (Eriks Mom )
Last night was the first night i have had a dream about my son where he spoke to me and he was the age he was when he passed away. Since Erik has died if he was in my dreams he was much younger, and they never made sense.
The first part of the dream we were living on a farm out in the boonies. I figure i dreamt that part because we are in the process of buying a farm out in the boonies! Erik was in the house, injured and the 911 operator told me i would have to run down to the end of the driveway and give a signal so they could find us. I ran and ran down an endless gravel driveway, it took what seemed like hours. When i finally got to the ambulance, Erik was already in it. Then that part of the dream ended. I figure the message there was how i felt helpless after he died that i couldn't get to him, or be there for him, or help him.
The middle part of the dream, i was living in Maple Lake on the street my grandparents lived on growing up, which is the same street Dale used to live on. It was Halloween day, and Erik was 16. We didn't have our decorations up on the outside of the house yet (totally unlike us) and i told Erik it would be a nice surprise for Dale if he at least got them out of the garage rafters so Dale could help put them up when he got home. Erik said ok, i remember telling him to be careful so he didn't fall and get hurt. He said "I won't" in his normal GEEZ MOM voice and then that part of the dream ended as well. Strange...
The last part was REALLY strange but it's where Erik spoke to me about the accident. God sent Erik back for a second wake. This time when we came to view him, it was in a small little church with like 8 pews. Erik was up at the front on a step but it was almost on the floor. This wake was so we could ask questions. Erik was dead, and laying in the casket but could talk to us and answer any questions. Yes i know...creepy. It was so real though. I remember walking in the church, and i didn't want to go up to him. When i did go up to him, he was laying more on his side, so i could only see one half of his face. i got right down by it and he turned up to look at me and said..well, i'll edit here some because i have too...he said..."Don't ever drive fast, blank told ME too and now i'm dead." Strange yes, but i woke up and started crying, because it was the first time since he died, i saw his face, he talked to me, and it was REALLY REAL! Usually in my dreams if he is in it, i can't see his face, it's like blurry. After i got sad, Dale & i kinda laughed too because there was also someone in the church viewing Erik dressed up like Elvis. LOL Ok, i don't care for Elvis, Erik didn't either, so whatever that's about, i have no clue. We were looking through some things we got last night from Dale's grandma, old letters and things from Dale's grandpa & his mom. Dale's mom loved Elvis, so maybe that was her way of letting us know she was there too, i don't know!! LOL Other things happened in this part of the dream too, but if you want to know, just ask. Too much to type.
I'll take any message i can get. So putting all the strange things aside, hearing and seeing my son after 2 1/2 years, no matter what the circumstance..........was sad, but wonderful.
If anyone has had Erik come to them in a dream, i would love to know.....thanks.
GOOD NEWS from an old friend.... / Mandy (Eriks Mom )Read >>
GOOD NEWS from an old friend.... / Mandy (Eriks Mom )
We recently received an email from Mr. Sipe (Matt) and his wife that they are having a baby!! We are very happy for them!
For those of you that don't know who Matt is, he was Erik's band director and was a big part of the last year of my son's life. The kids called him "Sipe" and Erik thought he was the greatest. Matt spoke at Erik's funeral and also directed the band at the funeral.
Erik really took to Matt, he liked him right from the start. There was always a story that the kids had about Mr. Sipe and it was usually told with a huge grin on Erik's face. I'm so glad that Erik got to go on the Chicago band trip because he had a blast. The video clips from that trip of Erik are priceless to me. It's a wonderful thing when a teacher can influence your child the way Matt did and i will be forever grateful for that. It wasn't that Matt let the kids do whatever they wanted so they liked him. It was his way with the kids, and a mutual respect that was apparent when you were around him. He made band fun, and he made the kids want to be there so much so, they went early and Mr. Sipe had a hard time getting them to go home sometimes! LOL
So to Matt & Julie, we are very happy for you, and wish you a happy healthy baby! We know Erik is watching over you!
Looking over all of us. / Wes Black (Friend)
Hey Erik,
We miss you dearly my friend. We would like you to look over all of us who have suffored the bridge collapse and the flooding in southern Minnesota.
Also, with school starting up again, we would like you to look over all of us who have struggled throughout our first year of college. Help us through our second year. With all of us going our seperate ways again, we need you to look over us as much as you can buddy.
Look over your Mom, and Dale also.
We pretty much need all the love and support you bring down to us eachday.
This site is COOL!!! / Kathy~mom To Tiff Ferguson (one who understands )
Hey, Eric and Mandy :) I really, really like this new site, especially Green Day's song. My son T.J. who was born the day before God took Tiffanie is into Green Day, too. But don't worry, Mandy, I won't ask you to put this song on Tiff's site! I appreciate you putting P Diddy on hers though. This has been a tough day for our family; for 19 years ago God took Tiff to be with Him. Our church family was wonderful, though, and had a special prayer for us during our evening service. I know that Tiffanie is now walking and talking up there in Heaven. But this day, August 5, is especially hard to get through. You think about the events of that day, and how things went down. You remember all the sadness and wondering. I'm sure you've experienced that, too. But I also remember God's presence in my hospital room, and the comfort that God provided step by step to get through all the hard things that lay ahead. I don't know how I could have made it through those hard things without God carrying me and sustaining me through them. I am so thankful for the new friends I have met through Memory-of. I can feel the bond we have because our children are now in Heaven waiting on us to come to them. Thank you for being a help to me. May God bless you and Eric's memory.
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Eriks cell phone number..another door closed, then re opened by god! / Mandy (Eriks Mom )Read >>
Eriks cell phone number..another door closed, then re opened by god! / Mandy (Eriks Mom )
As most of you know we buried Erik with his cell phone. One because it was such a big part of his life, and two because he saved up the $300 to buy the best one on earth. It was his phone, it was going with him. Since Eriks death, none of us have taken his phone number off our cell phones. Just haven't. If you called his number it just said this number was no longer in service. Alot of us still called it though. It was like a "link" to him in an odd way. If you texted his number, it never came back returned, so once in a while, you might text him an "I love you" and wonder where it ended up. Texting Erik in heaven i said a few times. I have not done this in a long time. Today i was paying bills sitting at the table and i was going through the cell for something and saw his number. I called it. A girl answered, it threw me for a loop and i hung up! Well, she called back and left a message throwing a major fit that if your going to call a number and even if it's the wrong one, you could at least leave a message! She apparently did not take her happy pill this morning, because she was waaay too upset over a hang up call. I thought whatever lady. Well, it started irritating me, only because she was so upset about it. I thought, if she only knew. So, i told her. LOL Yep, i called her back, i thought you want a message, i'll give ya a message. LOL I left a message, telling her i apologized for hanging up, but this was why. I left it short and sweet. She called me back later on. We talked for 10-15 minutes. She said she was sorry for my loss and wanted to know some things about Erik. She said she can't stop thinking about me since i called her and as long as she has that phone number she will never forget Erik. Probably even after the phone number is long gone. So once again, Erik's story has touched someones life. A stranger i will never meet, but someone that can now pass his story on and possibly save another young life. All due to my curiosity to see if his phone number was still not issued to anyone. All due to her not having her happy pill and annoying me. All due to god once again, making sure good comes from a bad situation. :) So to the Ross family somewhere in Minnesota, god bless, and i'm glad my Erik touched your life.
God leads us more than we realize... / Mandy (Eriks Mom )Read >>
God leads us more than we realize... / Mandy (Eriks Mom )
I'm usually off work in the summer because i work for the school district. People think it's such a great thing. It's not, 2 weeks into it i'm bored half out of my mind. So this year i made sure i had something to do, but wanted it to be at the school, because i like the kids so much. Long story short, i got hired as a para for summer school kindergarten going into 1st grade. Fun group. Oh wait, i should say 1st graders. Don't say anything about kindergarten around them!! I did today and i got a stern "I'm a 1st grader now" from a little boy named Nicholas!
There are many many classes and many children. The classroom i'm working with has a little girl who seemed quiet and just, down. Her dad brought her in, and he seemed nice, but frazzled. Later after the kids left, the teacher realized who i was (Erik Andersons mom) and said her daughter knew Erik. She said i think this is a good classroom for you. That little girl, her mom just died at age 30 from ovarian cancer. She is an only child, and her dad isn't doing so hot, for obvious reasons. She said i think you can really relate to that little girl, and help her. Dale lost his mom at age 10 and is realizing how important it is now for kids to deal with losses like this. I feel out of all the classrooms, i'm put in this one with her. She has no mom, i have no son. I also found out she lives almost right by us. I was thinking later in the car... Even though there are a lot of kids around us, you wonder if god leads you to certain place in your life for certain reasons. Well, i know he does, but i wonder how much of it we miss in life. How many times has he lead us in life that we have overlooked. Anyway, so my first day of summer school was a lot of fun, and i'm SO glad i was hired for it. You can't help but be happy when your around kids like that. They are so innocent. Hopefully i can show this little girl, that even though you lose someone you love so much and it hurts so bad....life can still go on, and you can still laugh, live and find joy.
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